February 22nd, 2008

Of who I am to be

Self-image is an hard thing to maintain. One's illusions grow over time, sometimes to cover faults, sometimes to exaggerate gains.

I had a tremendously humbling experience with my new doctor; despite being in the same clinic chain, my file hadn't been transferred. While it is freeing to confess one's weaknesses, faults, and failures to someone professionally indifferent, it also served as an horrorshow of my last few decades' worth of revolting human frailty. To give credit where it is due, my doctor was nicely unflappable even when I put the best face on horrible things.

As I keep reliving the experience, I always wish I'd made a better case for myself. There are a lot of things in my life that I am actually proud of; it's not a total train wreck. Most of which aren't medically relevant, but I wish I'd made a better case for the few that were.